If just shy of three years ago you would have told me I would be posting a blog about me taking it all off for a session I would have said you need to lay off the drugs. But here I am, year two into an annual boudoir session and loving every minute of it.
I photograph women daily and preach self love; loving your body, your mind and your soul. Yet for me I felt it was unnecessary. I mean I am one of the most confident people around right?
Dead wrong. I may not be a overly emotional person (no seriously if you cry around me I do the Sheldon "there, there" pat on your back and hope it fixes it all), I may not express openly just all the things about me I do not like, or I may not even seem like the majority of what is said bothers me.
But inside I am just trying to hold it together. As a mother of two, sole owner of a business I created from the ground up, writer to one of the largest online photography sites, and doing everything in my power to make every client feel like a million bucks.
So im almost 40 and finally feeling that "age" thing everyone barks about. I use to think big deal. Age is awesome. Until you start to feel those cricks in your neck when you wake up. Those grey hairs fighting harder and winning against your hair dye. Or my favorite recent one; "let me get my spectacles" when the kids ask for help on their homework.
Throughout all the crap we are dealing with just trying to get by in life, why are looks anything we should be worrying about? Bills, house repairs, cars breaking down, making sure we aren't fucking up those kids ( because no matter what we do we always feel like we are screwing them up). I can keep going but we get the point.
So yes. Majority of the day, I look like complete shit. Hair in a ponytail, no makeup, dressed like I am color blind (or fashion blind- someone help there please). But once a year I have had the best friends make me feel like I am not just a bag lady chauffeuring around a clan of minions.
Cate Scaglione and Beth Claire are the best kinds of friends a girl can have. Not only are they the kind that will take the mess that is me and transform it into more than the bag lady, they did it knowing my style, which is , well, lets say less Agent Provocateur and more James Bond girl.
Why do this? Well that is simple. It started out last year as a way to understand what my clients were feeling during their sessions. But then it transformed into a way to see myself as more than just a robot. It gave me back that feeling of self love. We photographers see our client transformed everyday. We know we are apart of that journey and we love every minute of it.
But we photographers forget to take care of ourselves sometimes. We need to see what the world sees of us. So once a year, a boudoir treat for me. It isn't just about taking off your shirt and giving those "eyes" it is about freeing yourself and freeing your mind (insert Matrix montage here). So why show this to anyone but my computer screen? Well if I don't I am a complete hypocrite when I ask my clients to sign a model release.
This is therapy. This is me shedding away my, well part of my, introvert behavior. This is me saying I am not just a bag lady, I am a badass lady who isn't afraid to prove to my clients we are ALL worth it.